P3

Ethics. What are ethics? What does that term even mean? These are the questions I have been asking myself since this essay was presented. Then I realized that these are also the questions that have been haunting me for almost two years.

I grew up within a strict religious family. My family followed the traditions and standards of my church without any questions. We went to church three to four times a week. I was in the youth group, on the bible quizzing team, and eventually taught Sunday school. As an inquisitive and bright child I easily memorized my memory verses and learned to charm my teachers by paying attention and remembering what was taught. I never questioned what I what I was taught; I trusted my pastor as the “voice of God” in my life. But all that changed after graduating from high school my senior year.

I was suppose to go overseas on a six month mission trip, but my pastor found out that I was dating my now current boyfriend (who was not a member of our church) and, without telling me, withdrew his pastoral recommendation for my trip and flagged my file—making it very difficult for me to ever go on an overseas mission trip again. I found out about this from an email the missionary staff sent me questioning the changes on my account. When I went to speak to my pastor, he informed me that I was intertwining my life with an unbeliever and an infidel. He explained that he “knew” my boyfriend’s family and that they were horrible people and sinners and that he could not sanction my overseas trip or any future trip after I had been tainted by this family. I was deeply hurt. I had known my boyfriend’s family longer than I had know him—for almost four years know—and had met nothing but kindness, selflessness, and friendship from all of them. That was one of the last times to date that I attended church. How could I trust someone with my soul who could make false and painful accusations against a group of people because they were different? It made me question everything I had ever believed. I began my search for truth.

This search has taken me down many roads. I have explored Hinduism, Buddhism, Catholicism, and Wiccan. I have searched for a title or a label to put myself under—something I can identify with. I looked until I felt that I fit in nowhere, and then became depressed. Thankfully, through the support of the boyfriend that started it all, I realized that putting a label on myself is not necessary. Upon finally reaching this point I began to question my own values and ethics, deciding on what I want out of my life and how far I am willing to go to get it.

Seeing the judgmental and intolerant nature of someone I looked up to made me never want to be the same. I vowed to forgive him and to be more tolerant of those around me. Working at the restaurant gave me plenty of opportunities to test out my new resolve: new employees that were far below my lofty intelligence level and tested my patience and tolerance to the edge of human resolve, “low-class” versus “high-class” patrons—a distinction the wait staff was quick to point out when a “low-class” patron was seated out of turn in their section, but quick to deny the mis-seat if the patron was “high-class.” Over and over again my judgmental nature and intolerance of those I felt inferior slapped me in the face, a constant reminder that my former pastor was only human. Although I had expected him to act in a more professional manner, I cannot rightfully expect something of him that I cannot do myself. Therefore, I was determined to change; so I would have the right to feel angry towards him. So I could never hurt anyone the way I was hurt.

The decision has tested my determination and my self-restraint. Time and time again I have failed, refocused, and started again. These continual missteps frustrated me, and unfortunately my younger sister always seems to get the brunt of my frustrations. We are very different, yet the same. She seems to see straight through me and can identify why I do what I do—I can do the same with her. I am sure one day we will be close and loving, but for now those moments are far and few-in-between. We seem to push each others’ buttons on purpose, instead of using our instincts to help one another we seem to use it to cut each other down. Although I feel that I have finally moved beyond this point (except occasionally when she is being exceptionally bratty—we are sisters), my conversations with her seem to focus around giving advice about boys and school or motivating her to do better—the latter she usually takes defensively. Learning to control myself and only “help” her when she needs it—instead of assuming she needs my help with everything and bossing her around—has been a strange journey. But learning the self-restraint is critical, it applies to many other areas of my life.

Currently, as a student, self-restraint and time-management are my biggest issues. I have always procrastinated, using the excuse that I work better under pressure. I have had to learn that I cannot make a 4.0 on bullshit and abstractness; I really have to study and know my stuff. I am taking courses on subjects that are new and (sometimes) exciting, but all I can think about is being away from loved ones or being cooped up inside without any contact with nature. I have to re-learn the restraint needed by a good student—there was a time in my life that I enjoyed doing homework and studying new things (even if they were boring). But in order to move on with my life, I must first get through this experience that is supposed to be the highlight of my life—college.

I plan on going into business after school—either real estate, consulting, or marketing—and in the cutthroat world of business I have to consider how far I am willing to go to secure the wants and needs in my life. In the world of business many say if you do not take what you want, someone else will. This brings forward many ethical questions that I must ask myself: Am I willing to break any laws? Would I step on someone else to get to what I wanted/needed? Are my wants any more important than those of my competition—should I take their wants and needs into consideration when making my decisions? These are all questions I am still in the process of answering. The only thing I am sure of now is where I want to end up.

My ultimate goal in life is to be happy. You may ask what exactly does happiness mean? Well, my definition of happiness changes every day. One day it might mean to simply take a walk through the park and watch the squirrels run around. The next day I would be completely unappreciative and unaware of the nature around me and unhappy because the material wants or needs in my life are not up to par with those around me. The next day I would find myself unhappy because the people that I love are too far away. Ultimately, for me, the key to happiness is monetary security. I want enough money to live comfortably and happily, close to the people I love, and surrounded by nature. I don’t need to be the richest, just the most satisfied.

Ultimately, the man that I resented for so long is the one I must thank, for he is the one that sent me on this journey originally. If it had not been for the outrage and pain I felt at his cutting words, I would never have searched out my own path to redemption. Since that time I have become more tolerant and less judgmental of those that are around me. Through accomplishing this and moving on with my life I have begun to learn the self-restraint that will eventually manifest itself in a happy career and family. I have learned that I do not have to put a label on myself or on anyone else— to take everyone as a single person and not group them together. All in all, because of this pilgrimage I have become a better person. How could I have anything but thanks in my heart towards the man that started it all? If only he had know how helpful his words have actually been.