Fear vs Love

Fear. It is a powerful emotion. As a child I struggled with it every day. There were monsters in the toilet when I flushed, under the bed trying to grab my ankles, in the shadows of my dark room. My imagination never had a shortage of monsters that would scare me. But I always had a method to overcome them. If I jumped onto or off my bed, the monsters couldn't reach me. If I was able to wash my hands and get out of the bathroom within ten seconds of flushing the toilet monster wouldn't be strong enough to grab me. If I closed my eyes tight the shadows that formed scary figures would disappear.

My fears today are a little harder to overcome-- mainly because they are more realistic. Getting attacked walking from my parking garage to my dorm late at night. I fear that after twenty-five years of marriage my parents will get a divorce over something ridiculous and trivial and I will get stuck between them. I am scared that my brother will get sent to Afghanistan and end up dead. I am scared that my little sister will eventually marry one of the deadbeat guys she dates and end up unhappy. Mostly, I am scared that I will end up alone.

I tend to have the inability to maintain friendships. I am scared to get too close to people. As a child I was always a loner. When I got older this seemed to cripple me in the friends department, and moving halfway through my high school career didn't help much either.

The New Testament: God is Love, The Last Supper, and My Animal Neighbor

Although I am currently questioning my religious beliefs and searching for the truth, I do not believe that I could ever truly deny the existence of God. I was brought up strictly Christian- taking the teaching of Jesus both literal and figurative to heart. While I no longer feel the need to place a "name over the door" and identify what "type" of Christian I am; I am simply a Christian. I follow the teachings of Christ. Reading over the New Testament selections in the anthology brought back memories of Sunday School lessons and sermons that I have heard time and time again. The theme of the selections in the anthology seemed to be "God is love." (1 John 4:8)

God is love is the centerpiece of Christianity. Christianity is different from religion. Religion (as defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary) is man worshiping a deity or god-- more simply, man reaching for something outside of himself to worship. Christianity is God reaching out to man. There is a fundamental difference. Because "God so loved the world he sent his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have eternal life." (St. John 3:16) To be a true Christian (or to be Christ-like) one must become love.

Becoming more like Christ is the center of the teachings of both Jesus and of the Apostles after Jesus ascends into Heaven. To live a holy life devoid of sin (because sin separates us from the love of Christ) and to love your neighbor as yourself-- "the greatest of all commandments." (St. John 15:12) There are many examples of these teachings. The story of the Rich Young Ruler who asks Jesus what he must do to be saved. Jesus tells him to follow the commandments. When the young ruler answers that he has "kept all these from my youth up," Jesus tells him to "sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven." (St. Luke 18:15-25). The rich young ruler is "sorrowful" at this statement. He cannot think of his neighbor before himself. The most important commandment of all is the hardest to follow. It demands that we give up our selfish nature and care more for the person beside us than for our own self or our own happiness.

This commandment seems simple enough when we think of our neighbors as those around us: our family, friends, significant others. But this commandment stretches beyond that. "Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you…" In this passage Jesus states that your love must be unconditional to everyone around you; Even the "sinners also love those that love them." To be truly Christ-like, we must love those all around us. (St. Luke 6: 27-38)

As I continued through the reading, a new point of view opened up to me on the last supper. Jesus omits the customary lamb from the menu. The writer of this paper, Stephen H. Webb, proposes that

God takes the place of the sacrificial lamb that is usually present. Because God is love and came to save us from our barbaric and sinful ways, why would he continue the suffering of animals? In the Garden of Eden animals and humans lived peacefully side by side. Animals were given the vegetation to eat and humans the fruits of the trees and vine. Man's disobedience and sin removed him from this peaceful environment and forced him to take the lives of animals for clothing and food. God's return to earth and eventual sacrifice of His own body makes it possible for man to come to God once more without sin-- bringing back the time of peace and turning away from suffering of both humans and animals. Revelations describes a heaven where the "lion and the lamb lay down together" in peace. (Revelations 5)

This view-point takes the idea of "God is love" to a whole new level. It demands of the Christian to extend Christ's unconditional love not only to your human neighbor but to you animal neighbor as well. This is a new concept within the realm of Christianity and one that makes me think deeply about my beliefs on vegetarianism and animal rights.

The Bible, Coetzee's Disgrace, and Animal Rights

Today I found myself watching Animal Cops, one of my favorite shows on Animal Planet about the ASPCA all over the USA that rescue abused and neglected animals and find them new homes. While watching this I began to understand why the advocates of animal rights feel so enraged towards animal cruelty. Watching the show and seeing the abuse that some animals live in without complaint, simply accepting their reality is humiliating to the human race and humbles me.

Click on picture above to watch an Animal Cops episode

Because the Bible mentions animals, it has often been brought up in the argument of animal rights for those that are religious . "In the beginning God created…" (Gen. 1:1) . This is the line that I have been taught my entire life. I can quote the first chapter of the Bible from memory. Those are the words that shaped my early viewpoint of how the world came into being. I was taught that man was the master of animals. That our ability to reason set us apart. As I got older I realized that this superiority came with a responsibility. Although man does have domain over animals, that does not necessarily give us the right to exploit them. The animal activists will quote Genesis saying, "God said, 'See, I give you all the seed-bearing plants that are upon the whole earth, and the trees with seed-bearing fruit; this shall be your food." They claim that humans were never made to eat meat. That we were designed to eat fruits from the beginning. The other side of the argument comes in when Adam and Eve are kicked out of the Garden of Eden. The Bible states that, "Unto Adam and his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them." (Genesis 3:21) This shows that God made clothing for Adam and Eve from an animal's skin. Obviously, they continued this practice because their son Able was a shepherd. And by the middle of Genesis, the Bible speaks of the wife cooking venison for her husband. This is a debate that I have heard many times around the mess hall table at church summer camp between vegetarians and meat-eaters.

Personally, I feel that your religious viewpoint is your own opinion and that debating it or using it to prove a point to someone else does not work well. Usually your religious viewpoint will be different from theirs and will cancel out your point instead of supporting it. You can use your religious beliefs to explain why you choose to your lifestyle, but not to convince others to do the same. Regardless of your religious beliefs, I think we all agree that cruelty towards animals is inexcusable. As Coetzee points out in Disgrace, "Lurie gains a redeeming sense of compassion absent from his life up to this point." (X:75) Although Lurie had lived a life of no importance and sexual scandal, he finally made an impact in the world and learned compassion for those that have less than him by caring for neglected and diseased dogs. At some point, we all learn to either have compassion for others or we spend our lives hurting others.

P3

Ethics. What are ethics? What does that term even mean? These are the questions I have been asking myself since this essay was presented. Then I realized that these are also the questions that have been haunting me for almost two years.

I grew up within a strict religious family. My family followed the traditions and standards of my church without any questions. We went to church three to four times a week. I was in the youth group, on the bible quizzing team, and eventually taught Sunday school. As an inquisitive and bright child I easily memorized my memory verses and learned to charm my teachers by paying attention and remembering what was taught. I never questioned what I what I was taught; I trusted my pastor as the “voice of God” in my life. But all that changed after graduating from high school my senior year.

I was suppose to go overseas on a six month mission trip, but my pastor found out that I was dating my now current boyfriend (who was not a member of our church) and, without telling me, withdrew his pastoral recommendation for my trip and flagged my file—making it very difficult for me to ever go on an overseas mission trip again. I found out about this from an email the missionary staff sent me questioning the changes on my account. When I went to speak to my pastor, he informed me that I was intertwining my life with an unbeliever and an infidel. He explained that he “knew” my boyfriend’s family and that they were horrible people and sinners and that he could not sanction my overseas trip or any future trip after I had been tainted by this family. I was deeply hurt. I had known my boyfriend’s family longer than I had know him—for almost four years know—and had met nothing but kindness, selflessness, and friendship from all of them. That was one of the last times to date that I attended church. How could I trust someone with my soul who could make false and painful accusations against a group of people because they were different? It made me question everything I had ever believed. I began my search for truth.

This search has taken me down many roads. I have explored Hinduism, Buddhism, Catholicism, and Wiccan. I have searched for a title or a label to put myself under—something I can identify with. I looked until I felt that I fit in nowhere, and then became depressed. Thankfully, through the support of the boyfriend that started it all, I realized that putting a label on myself is not necessary. Upon finally reaching this point I began to question my own values and ethics, deciding on what I want out of my life and how far I am willing to go to get it.

Seeing the judgmental and intolerant nature of someone I looked up to made me never want to be the same. I vowed to forgive him and to be more tolerant of those around me. Working at the restaurant gave me plenty of opportunities to test out my new resolve: new employees that were far below my lofty intelligence level and tested my patience and tolerance to the edge of human resolve, “low-class” versus “high-class” patrons—a distinction the wait staff was quick to point out when a “low-class” patron was seated out of turn in their section, but quick to deny the mis-seat if the patron was “high-class.” Over and over again my judgmental nature and intolerance of those I felt inferior slapped me in the face, a constant reminder that my former pastor was only human. Although I had expected him to act in a more professional manner, I cannot rightfully expect something of him that I cannot do myself. Therefore, I was determined to change; so I would have the right to feel angry towards him. So I could never hurt anyone the way I was hurt.

The decision has tested my determination and my self-restraint. Time and time again I have failed, refocused, and started again. These continual missteps frustrated me, and unfortunately my younger sister always seems to get the brunt of my frustrations. We are very different, yet the same. She seems to see straight through me and can identify why I do what I do—I can do the same with her. I am sure one day we will be close and loving, but for now those moments are far and few-in-between. We seem to push each others’ buttons on purpose, instead of using our instincts to help one another we seem to use it to cut each other down. Although I feel that I have finally moved beyond this point (except occasionally when she is being exceptionally bratty—we are sisters), my conversations with her seem to focus around giving advice about boys and school or motivating her to do better—the latter she usually takes defensively. Learning to control myself and only “help” her when she needs it—instead of assuming she needs my help with everything and bossing her around—has been a strange journey. But learning the self-restraint is critical, it applies to many other areas of my life.

Currently, as a student, self-restraint and time-management are my biggest issues. I have always procrastinated, using the excuse that I work better under pressure. I have had to learn that I cannot make a 4.0 on bullshit and abstractness; I really have to study and know my stuff. I am taking courses on subjects that are new and (sometimes) exciting, but all I can think about is being away from loved ones or being cooped up inside without any contact with nature. I have to re-learn the restraint needed by a good student—there was a time in my life that I enjoyed doing homework and studying new things (even if they were boring). But in order to move on with my life, I must first get through this experience that is supposed to be the highlight of my life—college.

I plan on going into business after school—either real estate, consulting, or marketing—and in the cutthroat world of business I have to consider how far I am willing to go to secure the wants and needs in my life. In the world of business many say if you do not take what you want, someone else will. This brings forward many ethical questions that I must ask myself: Am I willing to break any laws? Would I step on someone else to get to what I wanted/needed? Are my wants any more important than those of my competition—should I take their wants and needs into consideration when making my decisions? These are all questions I am still in the process of answering. The only thing I am sure of now is where I want to end up.

My ultimate goal in life is to be happy. You may ask what exactly does happiness mean? Well, my definition of happiness changes every day. One day it might mean to simply take a walk through the park and watch the squirrels run around. The next day I would be completely unappreciative and unaware of the nature around me and unhappy because the material wants or needs in my life are not up to par with those around me. The next day I would find myself unhappy because the people that I love are too far away. Ultimately, for me, the key to happiness is monetary security. I want enough money to live comfortably and happily, close to the people I love, and surrounded by nature. I don’t need to be the richest, just the most satisfied.

Ultimately, the man that I resented for so long is the one I must thank, for he is the one that sent me on this journey originally. If it had not been for the outrage and pain I felt at his cutting words, I would never have searched out my own path to redemption. Since that time I have become more tolerant and less judgmental of those that are around me. Through accomplishing this and moving on with my life I have begun to learn the self-restraint that will eventually manifest itself in a happy career and family. I have learned that I do not have to put a label on myself or on anyone else— to take everyone as a single person and not group them together. All in all, because of this pilgrimage I have become a better person. How could I have anything but thanks in my heart towards the man that started it all? If only he had know how helpful his words have actually been.

Animal Humanities

Animal Humanities aka the argument that we should treat animals more like humans in the area of rights and liberties. Whether or not this is actually possible is something that I am still debating within. While I am far from being an animal rights advocate I am also far from wanting animals to be treated cruelty or without compassion. But in all honesty I am tired of debating the ins and outs of why they do or do not.

Animal Humanities: treating animals like humans or respecting them in their natural habitats?

Discussing animals' lack of freedom in a classroom does nothing to help them. I admire the people who break in and let animals free. And I admire those whose diet is free from animal and their byproducts that were taken in inhumane ways, whether for religious reasons or because of their conscience. I admire those that fight with law and reasoning to give animals the rights that they feel that they deserve. We can cry about the issue all we want but the real way to solve it is action, not writing. Although I am somewhat affected by the subject, I probably never stop eating meat or animal byproducts because personally I am simply too lazy. I will be more responsible about where my food comes from, but not completely cut it out. I will probably never write laws to free animals. And I will probably never break into an animal farm and break out animals. That is not my calling.

Maybe its my upbringing that desensitizes me to a certain extent. As Sullivan quotes Lynn White in Ecology and World Religions, "the emphasis in Judaism and Christianity on the transcendence of God above nature and the dominion of humans over nature has led to a devaluing of the natural world and a subsequent destruction of its resources for utilitarian ends." (X: 94) Growing up as a Christian I grew up going to church every week and hearing stories of creation: God created all the animals and that wasn't enough, so He created humans-- the star of all of creation. I grew up understanding that the ability to reason placed me above animals. I was more intelligent and therefore more important. This being said, I did not cut off the legs of spiders to see what they would do. (Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, p. 206-9) I enjoy every single part of nature and would prefer to spend a day outside than in a shopping mall. But, when it come down to it, my sympathies lie with humans more than with animals. I am much more likely to take action to help abused children than to go out of my way to advocate animal rights. Although this may seem callous, it is the truth. This is balanced out by my love for nature. Greg Garrard in Ecocriticism states that "environmentalism and animal liberation conflict in both theory and practice," but I disagree. (X: 99) By preserving the environment and ecological habitats you preserve the animals in them. Those that liberate animals will need a habitat to put them into. Without those that work to preserve the environment preserve the world that the animal liberator will release animals into. Although their means are different, the end is the same. Environmentalism and abused children are where my passions lie. If every person had the same passion than there would be too much good will in one area and none in all the others.

My "Primitive" Side

My earliest memories correspond with nature (and by nature I mean being outside… not the alternative mentioned in the seventeenth century style). Running outside barefooted with my hair blowing out behind me. Sneaking out of my house early in the morning to climb the Welcome Mountain that began a street over, sitting at the top with my feet dangling over the sheer face of rock that greeted my small town. Looking around at all the structures and feeling like I had mastered the world. Riding my bike fast as possible down hills as I pretended I was riding a horse through the open plains. Playing dodge ball in the open grassy lot. Playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark on the full moon and getting my first kiss while hiding under my next door neighbors RV. Dancing under the stars to Spice Girls in my friend's garage/driveway. Jumping off of the small playhouse roof onto the trampoline. Playing basketball in my driveway. Rollerblading up and down the street. These are the memories I will always cherish. My childhood days were spent almost entirely outside: rain or shine, hot or cold-- my parents couldn't keep me inside.

As I have grown older the pull that nature has on me has only strengthened. In elementary I loved recess and PE. Although being a straight-A student, throughout Jr. High and high school, I was the one who got caught staring out the window halfway through the long school day. I played sports for the simple pleasure of spending time outside. Still today I find excuses to sit in the sun on a bright day, or to lower my umbrella and feel the raindrops on a rainy one. Nothing makes me happier than sitting on a blanket in my back yard and watching my cat chase grass hoppers and sunbathe. Touching her hot, sun baked fur warms me to my core. Nature intrigues and inspires me. Windowless rooms terrify me.

So you may ask how did I end up living in the urban sprawl that is ATX. I would answer "with careful research." I chose UT partly because of all the hidden little nature escapes all around campus. Because of the squirrels that make me smile on my way to class. Because I get to walk from A to B, giving me the excuse to be outside. And lastly I chose the dormitory with the largest windows on campus. Even with all this, at times I feel closed in and depressed. Sometimes when I am sitting in class thinking about being outside, I shake myself and ask why? Shouldn’t I have matured out of the "looking out the window" stage in my life? Isn't adulthood about "evolving" from being the child that plays outside into the adult that sits in an office? Shouldn’t I have made "progress" by now?

When I look at this problem I realize that the system of education that I have been subjected to directly opposes the environment that I was raised in. The emotional intelligence that I garnered as a child from nature cannot be lost by the rigors of the education system and the demand that we have "intelligence" defined by books. No matter how much I evolve or am put to the test, my first instincts will always be that that is natural to me-- to be in nature. This "primitive" instinct was not filtered out of me, but fostered into a strong flame by my parents who refused to allow a television in our home but instead fed our imaginations with story books and an outside environment to run free in. I am proud of my "primitive" side and hope to never lose it. This may be why poetry means so much to me. It seems to flow naturally from deep emotions and everyday experiences alike. According to Gary Snyder in Poetry and the Primitive, "Poetry... is not writing or books... Poetry is voice… the voice, in everyone, is the mirror of his own deepest self. The voice rises to answer an inner need." (X: 51-52) My inner need is nature, thus poetry speaks the loudest when I am either surrounded by it or when I have been deprived of it. Nature is "a pure perception of beauty." (X:51) But voice is nothing without breath, and "Breath is the outer world coming into one's body." (X: 51) For as long as I can breathe nature in, it will be a part of my life.