mother vs daughter

Mother daughter relationships should be one of the seven wonders of the world. They are painful yet intense and loving. They are forever evolving and changing yet stay the same. It is a strange phenomenon…

As a child my mother worked sporadically, but mostly she was simply a homemaker. She cooked, cleaned, and raised us. I expected her to be my homeroom mother, to be in the PTO, and make cupcakes for all my class events. My mother looked at this from a different point of view. She had four children and refused to do everything for all of us. Since we would be jealous if she did something for one of us and not for the other, she decided to do nothing for any of us. Beyond being our pre-K through first grade room mothers, my mother did not participate in our school activities.

This was really difficult for me. My older sister had seven years on me and was basically out of school before I have definite memories. My older brother (my senior by only 14 months) refused to do well in school and always required special attention from my parents to make sure he did not fail and have to repeat a grade. It wasn’t that he wasn’t smart and intelligent, he just never "applied himself." My little sister was smart, but she struggled in school. In her early grades she had a problem with reading- she hated it and never tried. Because of this she was below her reading level. My mom worked with her every evening on her homework. Later on we found that math did not make sense to her. And as she entered high school, she had problems with the natural sciences as well. Because my siblings commanded so much of my mother's time during homework sessions, I often felt ignored and torn. I enjoyed the attention from my teachers for being the highest scoring student in the classroom, but felt neglected at home because I easily made straight A's.

I remember the end of each six weeks bringing hatred to my heart. I would bring home my perfect report card in triumph. Each time my mother would glance at it, sign it, and close it. Next, she would lecture my brother and sister for thirty minutes about their B's, C's, and D's. If my brother or sister did manage to make an A, there would be ice cream and celebration.

Awards ceremonies were another difficult time for me. I always received the top awards: perfect attendance, citizenship, good grades, and even the coveted "Special Student Award" given out at the end of the eighth grade year to one female and one male student. I would always search the bleachers for my mother, but she was never there. My peers' mothers would be there, cheering on my fellow students, but my mothers face never appeared. I would bring the awards home to a obligatory nod and then they disappeared into the box my mother kept all my achievements in. Unlike Brave Orchid's "glass case" that displayed her children's achievements (WW, 128). Mine were kept in a plastic box in the storage room. Never to be seen by anyone. Much like Kingston, I often contemplated "not making A's" just to spite my parents (WW, 99). I wondered if they would even notice if I quit bringing home perfect report cards and numerous awards. They never seemed to care, so why should I. They took it for granted that I was always going to make perfect grades, somewhere in my senior year I simply quit doing so. I wanted to see how they would react and my teachers praise alone was no longer enough. I had worked my whole life for a "good job."

My mother did notice eventually. She explained that she had never made a big deal of it because she did not think I needed the praise. She felt that my teachers pampered me too much. She wanted me to be strong and not expect things to be handed to me. She never thought that I had to work hard for my grades like my siblings. Because it was easy for me, I did not deserve the praise. This was a hard pill to swallow. I definitely did not agree. Just because I have always done well did not mean I didn’t work my butt off for it. While my brother and sister were out with friends I was at Starbuck or the library studying. I worked a full time job and still managed to keep up and score high grades. After a long discussion my mother and I finally were able to see eye-to-eye. She apologized for making me feel like she did not care, but would not apologize for not giving me excessive praise. She felt that I was a stronger person because of it. As I have mentioned before, I cannot change my mother so I simply have to accept her point of view and enjoy the praise she does give me. Although I experienced some pain and feelings of neglect, I know that everything she does is because she loves me and wants what is best for me. Thus I can survive anything that comes my way. She will always be in my corner.

Modern Day Woman Warrior

In the neighborhood where I spent most of my childhood, there were few other female kids. Most of my playmates where guys, the few girls in my neighborhood where whinny and generally drove me crazy. I spent most of my childhood wrestling with boys on the trampoline, playing basketball, football, or kickball. I did not play with Barbies or baby dolls, preferring instead to spend time on my pogo stick, bike, or outside in the dirt. I was constantly referred to as "the girl" by all the boy kids I played with. If I won a wrestling match or basketball game (which was not unusual!), the boy(s) I beat were ribbed that they had been "beat by the girl." The next time we competed they were determine to beat me to re-prove their manhood. Much like Lydia mentioned, I was considered the weaker sex. To be beat by me, a female, was the ultimate humiliation. I never really considered the distinction as a child, I simply accepted that boys expected me to be an easy target. Unfortunately for them, I did not meet their expectations; whether it was a fist-fight or a friendly game of knock-out, I was in for the win.

Me, my bike, and my siblings

This competitive nature stayed with me as I started school. I was determine to be the best I could be, not because I wanted to pad a resume- I never feared that I would not get into my top choice schools- but because I wanted to push myself to the limit and see where the breaking point was. While reading the article by Sara Rimer, "Girls Need to be Perfect," I felt that it was somewhat ridiculous and superficial. The students featured in the story were complaining that they were taking two to five AP courses and could not keep up with their studies and extracurricular. They obviously live in an upper class neighborhood, meaning their parents have plenty of money. They wear designer clothing, drive nice cars, and probably have most things they wanted given to them.

The students I went to school with took six to seven IB courses and then tested in the AP tests as well. They put on three to five full sized drama productions (and won State

UIL every year), played in the marching band, met at six am to run cross-country, and stayed after school to tutor low performing students, train for academic decathlons, or other academic UIL competitions. Some of us even held down full time jobs. Our parents were not filthy rich, we did not wear designer clothes (or whine that we didn't have them). We worked hard and enjoyed our classes and our extracurricular because we wanted to do them, not because we were "marketing ourselves to colleges" ("Girls Need to be Perfect"). We had fun and enjoyed school. There were times when we all stressed over college applications or exams, but we were not obsessive and the common drive to succeed (in the lowest income school district in Texas and show the world that we were not all losers) brought us together.

This drive to do well and succeed can be seen in Maxine Hong Kingston's Woman Warrior. The woman's traditional role in the family is often disregarded. Although the family would often not survive without a mother, she is not respected as much as the man. Kingston gives an example of this in the first section of her book. The treatment of the "no-name woman," the main character's aunt, was much harsher than the treatment of the man who impregnated her (WW, 5). Because of the disregard that the women had suffered through, they came to the realization that they must become something more than a "wife or slave" to gain respect (WW, 19). That the women tie motherhood and wifedom to slavery is not a mistake, these traditional roles hold no freedom for them. The stories that she is told about Fa Mu Lan are experienced in first person. Her mother teaches her the lessons of strength and freedom through the fabled warrior. It is the only way she knows to raise and protect her child against the process of growing up and facing the hardships of life. She expects her daughter to do greater things than she herself was able to do, she brought her to America to give her the opportunities that she herself never had. It is imperative that her daughter succeed and do well- she wants her to become a modern day warrior, a "heroine, swordswoman" (WW, 19).

Kill Bill is an excellent example of our modern day woman warrior.

Whether in literature or in real life, women feel the need to "catch-up" with men. If you look around, all the people throughout history that we consider to be great thinkers, warriors, or leaders were men. How many women could have been remembered as well if they had simply been given the chance. Maybe Einstein's sister was also a genius, or Newton's daughter the next great alchemist. We will never know. Centuries of repression leave us with our own type of stories and our own drive to succeed. One day, when our daughter's daughters look back on history, we will tell them the true accounts to women heroics instead of bedtime fables.

Diversity vs. Alienation

I often feel that I got the raw end of what should have been a great deal. I was born to white, upper-middle class parents who owned their own franchise of a shipping company, drove a brand new car, lived in an up and coming town, and had a spacious house. I had blonde curly hair, blue eyes, and was a happy child. But at age two, all that changed. The parent business for my father's franchise went bankrupt and sold out to FedEx. My parents lost the business, the brand new car, and their home. They moved in with my father's parents in a small farming community. Eventually they moved into government housing. My twenty-one year old mother was left at home alone pregnant with her third child while my father was forced to drive cross-country to make ends meet.

Me: my kindergarten school photo

Unfortunately, I do not remember the good ol' days when my family had plenty of money and upper-middle class ranking- though I never really realized we were poor until I went to school. I always woke up with mixed emotions of the first day of a new school year. I was always excited to go back to school and learn and meet my new teacher. But I had never had many friends, so I wasn’t excited to see the other kids. In fact, I disliked going to school and seeing everyone else's shiny new brand-name school supplies and their new school clothes and lunch boxes. My clothes were made by my two grandmothers, my sandwich in a brown paper bag, my shoes were hand-me-downs from an older cousin, and my school supplies the off-brand that was bought at the local dollar store.

Many minority students feel that racial tension or class distinction is directed at them because of the color of their skin or their accent when speaking English. White students are often lumped into the same mish-mash pile of "privileged" students who have tons of friends and never get made fun of or feel degraded by others. As Toni Morrison states in The Bluest Eye, that the fair skin and blue eyes of baby dolls and little white girls brought out a certain "possessive gentleness" in adults and "enchanted" fellow classmates (BE: 23,62). I, however, never felt privy to this type of differential treatment. Having the whitest, most un-tannable skin or brightest blue eyes in my school did not make me a popular student. I was a poor outsider. A smart poor outsider that was spoken to when someone needed help with an algebra problem or topic for a paper, but still an outsider. Between the grades of four and eleven I was not invited to any parties or gatherings with fellow students. I think I excelled in the classroom because I had no other option, no other distractions, nothing else to do with my time. When papers were handed out in class I often felt like Miguel Ramirez in "The Unknown Want" as he described making a "100/100" on an assignment the rest of the class had bombed (X:838). That certain mixture of pride of accomplishment, yet anxiety of ridicule from your peers was a real part of my public school education. Being told I was intelligent- more so than most of my peers- did nothing to boost my self-esteem. I still felt poor, under-dressed, and ugly when compared to my fellow classmates. Being told I was superior to them only helped to alienate me further. The accolades that were met to cheer me up only made me feel more different. The many awards given to me at various school ceremonies only made me sad when my parents never appeared in the audience.

I further identified with the stories presented by other students when they spoke about the chasm between the lifestyle and customs of their parents and themselves. Much like Norma Andrade in "On Being Canela," I often felt embarrassed at my mother's occupation, or lack thereof. My mother came from old-school traditions. She believes that my father should provide for her and she should spend his money. That is fine when you have money to spend, but often my father did not. My mother only worked when it was absolutely necessary for her to do so, and then it was odd jobs that were not high earning: fast food industry, daycares, etc. I was often embarrassed when a classmate would tell me they had seen my mother at work. I would claim, like Andrade, that they must have been mistaken because "my mother was a housewife" and did not have to work, our father supported us (X: 848). My mother's refusal to work and help support our family is still an issue that we disagree violently over. But I understand that she was raised in a different time period and family setting than I was. The events in my life that make me determine to work and support myself are different from those that she experienced. I have come to realize that if my parents are content, who am I to try and change them.

My mother and I: so alike yet so different

Overall, I feel that any student can feel the effects of alienation from their peers despite their ethnicity, skin color, back ground, class, caste, intelligence level, or social standing. To say that a blue-eyed, blonde haired, quintessential American child has it easier simply because they are the quintessential American child is absurd. I like fashion, to say the Hispanic child has it more difficult because they are Hispanic is equally absurd. Everyone has felt judged or discriminated against for some aspect of who they are at a point in their life. Whether it is for their skin color, their good grades, or their raggedy clothes doesn’t matter. We are all human. We have all been hurt by it, and we should all learn the lessons experience has to offer and not reciprocate that judgment to others in our lives. How is it that the diversity that sets each person apart and makes them unique often makes them feel alienated from the greater blur of people around them? It is time we accepted each other as we are.

Judging Others

We all judges other people. You may stop when you realize it, or you may continue and indulge the human side of you that wants to be better than those around you. Although we have been fighting this instinct for years- from civil rights to gay rights- it is still a huge part of human nature.

In Toni Morrison's novel, The Bluest Eye, racism- or judging another based on appearance- is dealt with heavily. She presents a story in which two little black girls react differently to the preference given to blonde haired, blue eyed girls over dark skinned, dark eyed girls. In the proposed situation both girls are jealous, but one reacts by wanting to have blue eyes like Shirley Temple the other decides she hates Shirley Temple and destroys the perfect baby dolls she is given. Both girls feel the pressure to fit into the cookie cutter image of what is "beautiful." And, although their reactions are drastically different, they both succumb to the pressure.

In the novel, Pecola, the girl who wanted the blue eyes, was portrayed in the meanest of fashions: her family was poor, she was abused, and she was described as being ugly. As Morrison later wrote, she wanted her readers "interrogating themselves" as to why she was "smashing" the character Pecola. Instead, she feels that the readers ended up "pitying" her (BE 211). Although she was trying to make a case for racism, the story comes across to the reader as a poor black girl that is forced to live though many unfair circumstances and ends up going crazy. As Bump explained in his essay, "Racism and Appearance in The Bluest Eye: a Template for Emotive Criticism," "the success of this novel, and many other attempts to challenge racism, is determined by the nature of and relationships between the emotions that 'touch' and 'move' its readers." Or, that the readers must connect emotionally with the story being portrayed, but whether that emotional connection simply "touches" them or "moves" them into action depends of the level of identification and emotional attachment to the story being presented.

For me, as a reader, if the racism factor had not been pointed out in the classroom, I would not have chosen it as the main focus of the story. Because of my past experiences, I connected with the character Pecola on a different level. The emotions that were portrayed when she felt poor and out of place when compared to her peers was something I dealt with throughout my entire elementary schooling. Also, the abuse and her reaction to the questions from those around her reminded me of my own young self. Reading about a character that resembled my childhood experiences so closely made it difficult to focus on the bigger purpose of the novel. However, upon taking a closer look, I realized that the racial tension is laced throughout. From the Shirley Temple cup to the ripping apart of baby dolls to the degrading of romantic love as portrayed by beautiful Hollywood Actors to the crazy little girl who truly thinks she has the "bluest eyes of all." (BE 202) From the beginning to the end, Morrison portrays the judgment that black girls feel from those around them. Because of their appearance, something they had no choice in and cannot change, they are considered to be less: less beautiful, less pleasant, less acceptable, less everything that little white girls are.

A video portraying Pecola at the end of the book. She thinks she is finally beautiful with beautiful blue eyes. But it shows that in the end, racism and a judgmental attitude only hurt others more than we can imagine.

As I stated in the beginning, we have all judged another based on their appearance before. But, I dare to say, we have all also been judged by someone else. Considering that and remembering those emotions, it is almost not impossible to not only be "touched" by Toni Morrison's novel, but to also be "moved" to action. Next time you start to judge someone else, think first.

"Thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou are that judgest: for wherin thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things." (The Bible, KJV, Romans 2:1)

Diversity: TX State History Museum

The Bob Bullock Texas State History Museum gives a history of Texas from before European Explores all the way through the Oil Boom and WWII. The diverse cultures and countries that have occupied the land we all call home are amazing. The diversity stretches from cultures and race to species and lifestyles.

Native Americans were the first to call Texas home. They lived here for almost 11,000 years before European Explores "found" the "new land." The clash of cultures when the Europeans arrived was inevitable. The Europeans looked upon the Native Americans as barbaric, uncivilized cultures. In reality, the Native American Tribes were quite advanced and had complex societies. Take, for example, the Karankawa tribe who lived along the gulf coast. They "had an intimate knowledge of their environment and tuned their lives to the availability of fish, game, and wild plants." Colonization of European Explores in the Texas Native Americans' lands led to clashes. The illnesses that the Europeans brought with them to the "new land" were interpreted differently by both cultures. The people had different religions and upbringing and it was only natural that unrest, mistrust, and eventually war was to ensue from their unaddressed differences.

Eventually different European countries were clashing over who had the right to claim Tejas. The Spaniards were trying to extend their influence up from the south and their foothold in present day Mexico. The French was trying to spread down from the north. Both sides spread their influence differently. French trappers and traders that had ties with the tribes warned of the Spaniards in the south. The Spaniards won the colonization efforts through their missions. "Colonization begins on faith." Spain sent settlers, missionaries and soldiers to protect them. The government relied on a system of missions and presidios or forts to secure its foothold in Tejas. Instead of accepting the natives as they were and respecting them and their customs. The Spanish government sent the missionaries to convert the "barbarians" into law abiding Catholic subjects. If the natives converted to Catholicism they were able to reap the benefits of their local mission. The diversity of the area was destroyed. You either converted and were accepted or did not and were rejected.
These missions were the first form of settlers in the west. Mules and oxen were used to transport goods as settlers moved up from Mexico-- they were the only animals that could endure the hunger, drought, and hardships of the trip. As one settler said, "Texas was a heaven to men and dogs, but a hell for women, oxen, and mules." As Texas became an open frontier and many began the "move west," the diversity in Texas began to open up again. When Texas became independent in 1836, Protestant services and revivals became common occurrences. Settlers now had a choice of religions and the Catholic stronghold of the region began to dissolve. The landscape changed from central missions to spread out farms. Loneliness and isolation were a fact of life. When a social event was planned, everyone attended. The different customs and traditions of the people that moved west were meshed together to create a community. Diversity had to be embraced. You were not allowed to choose your neighbor, but you had to accept them for the simple need of companionship. Many moved west for the opportunity that it presented. The reality was that it took a lot of hard work. The West equalized people. It didn’t matter what kind of education you had or how much money you brought. Everyone lived in a crude house and worked from sun up to sun down to put food in their bellies.

As time moved on Texas became more civilized and settled. Towns popped up and the big ranches and cattle became the highest earning industry-- making the Fort Worth Stock yards world famous. The cowboys that worked the ranches came from all over the United States and even beyond. The routes they used to drive their cattle were originally the Native American trails that the Spanish used as trade routes between their missions. Today, we build interstates across these ancient paths. When I look at Texas, all I see is diversity. Some people may think that everyone in Texas rides horses and were boots and cowboy hats. While we have probably all done these things at least once in our lives, it is important to realize the diversity that created this great state. To understand that every step you take has been taken by many generations of Texans before you. Hook 'em!

Personality Profile: ENJF

I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test and my psychological profile was: extroverted, intuitive, feeling, judging, with an Idealist Teacher as the final classification. While I feel that a person can never truly be put into a four square box and every quirk explained away by one simple test, I do think that such tests can give insight into the general personality of a person. These personality tests also come with a learning and writing style that I feel was mostly spot on.

Extroverts:

My learning style states that: I talk in class-volunteer, think out loud, prefer active exercises- just lecture can bore, Prefer brainstorming, oral work, have a short attention span, am able to write without needing prior planning, prefer group activities. I agree with most of these definitions. I usually volunteer in class and prefer discussion based classes to lectures. I find that if my mind is not being stimulated I usually fall asleep, this includes during lectures. I definitely have a short attention span. I cannot work on anything for a long period of time without taking stretch breaks or jamming out to a good song for a few minutes. I usually do not plan out my writing; I simply jump into it and asses the damage afterwards. But I do not usually like group activities. It seems that in a group project one or two people do all the work and everyone else sits back. If I could be in a group where everyone pulled their weight I would enjoy it. I like the fun and ideas that come from collaborating with peers and bouncing ideas off of one another.

My writing style states that: I write from lived experiences, talk out ideas before writing, leap into writing- outline later, and take breaks for outer stimulation. This is mostly correct. I often draw on my experiences to illustrate my opinion or point of view on a topic. I often write, then read back through and create an outline from what I wrote to help with organization and logical order of my thoughts. And as stated above I do take breaks for stimulation, but only after I get my thoughts on paper. Because I often write when a burst of inspiration hits me, I will sit and write and get all my ideas down before taking a break.

Intuitive:

My learning style states that: I like to look beneath the surface to find hidden meaning, language oriented, out -think selves- read between the lines, do better on essay questions, solve new problems, learn new skills, hate busy work- like problem solving, why oriented- what does it mean?, future oriented- what new idea can I come up with?, talk about ideas, habit of digressing- and that does not bother, like open-ended assignments, to interpret topics in my own way, want to explore subtleties and complexities, find it hard to work without being inspired- work with bursts of energy, can leave too many details out of lecture notes. There are two points in this that I agree with the strongest. I HATE busy work. I have a real problem with feeling like I am wasting my time. If I do not feel like whatever I am doing is beneficial to me then I resent every second of doing it. Also, I find it extremely difficult to work without being inspired. I often miss deadlines because I think over a topic until something within it inspires me, then I write.

My writing style states that I: suggest hypotheses, ideas, and implications, I create original writing patterns, conceptualize topics in different ways, explore subtleties and complexities. I'm not to sure if I do these thing or not. I know that I do not do them consciously…

Feeling:

My learning style states that: I would rather talk about values and my feelings-give human examples, I like subjective assignments- aware of audience, I am relationship oriented- like study groups, I need praise, approval, and support, I need harmony- take criticism personally, I am not so rule oriented, I like to be close to teachers- view as friend, I am more supportive than critical, and I am motivated by others. This is all pretty much true. I feel that even though I may take criticism personally in the moment, I am able to step back and take it in objectively as well. However, this is a trait I have had to learn the hard way. I don’t mind talking about my values, but my feelings are harder to put out on the table.

My writing style: I communicate personal values, enliven content with human examples, attend to the audience's reaction, and guide writing decisions by sense of flow. I do, once again, bring in a lot of examples from my past (aka: human examples). I guide my writing my sense of flow. After I write, I outline and decide what flows best- that’s the order I put the paper in, elaborating as needed.

Judging:

My learning style states that: I prefer a plan, schedule is important- want a syllabus that is all explained clearly and spelled out, I don’t like surprises- want to know exactly how grades will be determined, Need fro closure may make me finish too soon- without enough evidence or research, prefer to work on one subject at a time, and I get pleasure from finishing- persevere until I'm done. I love spontaneity and surprises in my personal life, but when it comes to my grades, expectations in the classroom, and at work, I do not like them at all. The expectations of my boss and/or professor should be laid out plainly in the beginning. If I meet the expectations, great. If not, then it will be my own fault. I always want a syllabus so I can plan out my map for the course. Once again, I want to know what will be expected. I love finishing a project or assignment. There is a definite sense of accomplishment upon completing something.

My writing style: I narrow options to decide on a topic, I follow a set schedule to completion, I work mainly on one project at a time, and I work from present conclusions. I definitely narrow the conclusions. As stated before, I will think over several different options for quite a while before I settle on any one topic. With my school work I like to complete one project at a time, whereas at my job I usually juggle three to five ongoing projects at once.

Overall, I feel like my learning and writing styles are a mixture of all of the above traits, everything stated had at least a kernel of truth in in. I definitely feel that this quiz helped me to understand more about myself than I did before. These are all things I knew on a semi-conscious level, but having them stated out made me asses them and understand how they affect me as a student and a writer.