Preserving Innocence

As someone who was abused as a child I have always been an advocate for the innocent. There are few things that truly shock me out of the numb, self-centered, isolated world that I call me, but a child whose innocence has been ripped unceremoniously from them is definitely on the top of the list. There is a certain tint to their eye, a certain awareness of modesty and shame that becomes present in their mannerism. The carefree attitude disappears; the burden of adulthood is thrust upon them. They do not know how to deal with their situation. Most do not even fully understand what happened, many blame themselves. Some try to forget and may be successful during the sun’s reign, but all remember in the nightmares they wake up from screaming every night. They can no longer fit in with the frivolous chatter of their classmates, harboring a knowledge that others will not understand for years to come. Who do they turn to? The subject is a taboo; they are embarrassed to discuss it. The hopelessness of their situation settles in quickly.


There are an estimated thirty-nine million survivors of sexual abuse in America today.[1] Many people believe that these are examples of random attacks on unprotected children in homes with absent parents. But in reality only 10% of sexual abuse cases against children were committed by an adult who was a stranger to the child. The other 90% of victims are abused by a family member or by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust.[2] The age of these children is equally shocking- on average they are only nine years old,[3] and more than 20% of children are sexually abused before the age of eight.[4] As sickening as these statistics are, we have to remember that each one of those children needs someone who understands to help them through the rehabilitation process.

But before we can help them, we have to identify them. How can we tell these children from all the others? There is no right answer. They are the children that seem tough and indifferent to the world around them. They are the children who disappear into the fairy worlds offered by movies and books. They are the shy little girls that try to blend into the wall. They are the children that look at adults with a certain amount of distrust. They are the smart overachieving children; they are the children who refuse to apply themselves. Evidence that a child has been sexually abused is not always obvious. The only prevailing similarity is that they are all hurting and broken inside. Many young victims may not even realize that they are being abused. In one case that incensed me and tore at my heart, a little girl had been abused by her father as far back as she could remember. He had taught her that it was what “daddies and little girls did.” Without knowing any better, how could she be expected to report his actions as abuse? This particular case was discovered by a nurse during routine checkups by comments the child made, a typical discovery method. Most children who report sexual abuse do so accidentally. 20% of cases are identified by adults because of the child’s abnormal behavior, as in the example above- only 5% of children actually realize they are being abused and report it.[5] Because children are so gullible, the adult abusing the child will often use outrageous threats to keep them silent. They are told that people will think they are gross and make fun of them, that no one will believe them, or that if they tell anyone what is going on that the adult will hurt someone that the child loves or the child itself.





All throughout high school I volunteered at a center for female children who had been sexually abused. As a survivor of this particular base and horrible type of abuse, I carry as soft spot for these children. It breaks my heart to see the difference between these shattered little girls with tears so close to falling and the little girls who dance innocently around the parlor of my church every Sunday- fate being the only thing that divides them from one another. My heart fractures anew for each child; I want to hold them close and tell them that everything will be okay, but because of the crimes committed against them, they are often leery of human contact. The simple act of hugging- normally a reassuring action- would make them feel self-conscience and uneasy. It is impossible to truly understand the turmoil of emotions these little girls feel- how dirty and ashamed -unless you have been through the same thing. For this reason, the center recruits past victims as peer councilors. Distracting the little girls with toys so they felt more comfortable was my main duty. Sometimes I would be asked to help prepare case information that the district attorney would present to the jury. As I helped with this I would often be taken back to my seven year old self and my own traumatic experience in the courtroom. Back to the terrifying memories of sitting in the lonely witness stand in a room full of strangers- so little I could barely see over the half wall. The silence that filled the room as the attorney asked me to describe what happened was deafening. I remember the old smell of the courtroom and the sound of the typist clicking on the keys. But mostly I remember my own shame and despair as I gave the damning testimony that sent my grandfather to prison for twenty years. Reliving this scene from my memory over and over helped to dull the pain and gave me the experience I needed to coach these children though their own trials.

Unfortunately, this scene in the courtroom is where my few childhood memories begin. I have a few other scattered recollections and vague wisps of images that float through my head at times, but I never know if I've made them up or if they are real. My psychologist says that I have buried all but my absolute favorite memories somewhere in my subconscious. This is an example of how the child psyche is unique and fundamentally different to that of the adult. When adults are unhappy they complain, they change things to suit their needs better; when they are scared or do not understand something they find help. When something is truly troubling a child, they are more likely to bury those feelings and simply not dwell on them. If a certain idea or thought brings forward emotions that are unsettling, they would rather just not think of it. Many children create an alternate ego for whom they claim these things are happening to. Therefore, when asked directly what happened to them, the child will often say nothing or simply ignore the question. Children in these situations cannot fully rationalize what they have been through- they do not have the words to describe what they are thinking and feeling. Therefore, treatment must be done carefully and on their level to bring out the truth and slowly begin to heal them, from the inside out.

Getting psychological treatment is integral in the recovery process. Victims who never receive any counseling are statistically more likely to develop many behavioral and health problem later in life, including: substance and drug use, manic depression, eating disorders, early teen promiscuity and pregnancy, and involvement in crime. Over 75% of teenage prostitutes have reported cases of childhood sexual abuse in their past.[6] Statistics like these could fill a library. In the words of Herbert Ward, “Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime;”[7] it leaves tell-tell signs of how sexual abuse can damage a person for life. On the other hand, there are plenty of examples of people who lead perfectly normal lives and who have found ways to cope with the events from their childhood. Thankfully, with the love and support of my family, I am one of these people.

That being said, it is my responsibility to give back to the community what I have gleaned from it. I must donate my time to being a playmate for little girls who need someone to draw pictures with them in their first few visits to the psychologist’s office. Just as a young lady sat next to me so long ago and told me that things would be better one day and to simply take one step at a time, I must be an understanding and encouraging escort to the little girl who sits bravely in the witness stand and gives her embarrassing testimony to a room of strangers in front of her abuser. I must be a big sister to little girl that wants to play with the Barbie dolls at the center while waiting for her weekly appointment. I need to be a glimmer of sunshine in these little girls’ lives to remind them that they can move on and overcome, just as someone did for me. To re-teach these little girls the innocence they lost, that is my passion.


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[1] Abel, G., Becker, J., Mittelman , and M., Cunningham, “Self reported sex crimes on non-incarcerated paraphiliac,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 2, no. 1 (1987): 3-25.



[2] H. N. Snyder, “Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement: Victim, incident, and offender characteristics,” National Center for Juvenile Justice, U.S. Department of Justice (2000).


[3] F. Putnam (2003). “Ten-year research update review: Child sexual abuse,” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 42, (2003): 269-278.


[4] Snyder, Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement, 270


[5] Snyder, Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement, 270


[6] N.D. Kellogg, T.J. Hoffman, and E.R. Taylor, “Early sexual experience among pregnant and parenting adolescents,” Adolescence 43,(1999): 293-303.


[7] James B. Simpson, comp, [Herbert Ward, “Annual report, St Jude’s Ranch,” Boulder City NV, 1985], Simpson’s Contemporary Quotation,. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1988. www.bartleby.com/63/.

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Illustrations Cited:
1. Picture: Hurting Little Girl: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.adoptionblogs.com/media/FosterAdoption/child%2520crying.jpg&imgrefurl=http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/c1626&h=237&w=250&sz=10&hl=en&start=14&um=1&usg=__6Ierzi6aLk4qi6__xdq-Kij2CCg=&tbnid=hvZxJkPUJuKT5M:&tbnh=105&tbnw=111&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsexually%2Babused%2Bchildren%26ndsp%3D18%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4SUNA_enUS272US286%26sa%3DN

2. Picture: 1 in 4 girls http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.assumption.edu/Bikeride/images/header.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.assumption.edu/Bikeride/&h=375&w=374&sz=40&hl=en&start=16&um=1&usg=__GQv4zFpQEUd0lqj4HbaFzoR6ojE=&tbnid=kwyjjhumQd1r-M:&tbnh=122&tbnw=122&prev=/images%3Fq%3D1%2Bin%2B4%2Bgirls%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4SUNA_enUS272US286

3. Picture: Children’s Advocacy Center of Texas www.cacct.com/
4. Picture: Herbert Ward Quote http://groups.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=groups.groupProfile&groupID=107076290&MyToken=3bf9aa73-04ec-4469-9722-a3538532e754
5. Picture: Restoring Innocence http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.firstjax.org/files/children/Smiling%2520little%2520girl%25204.png&imgrefurl=http://www.firstjax.org/163523.ihtml&h=538&w=768&sz=667&hl=en&start=117&um=1&usg=__1ohchD8wjNAXC7MHYFLfDyjBjjo=&tbnid=ucwjMWRJQTy-iM:&tbnh=99&tbnw=142&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlittle%2Bgirl%26start%3D108%26ndsp%3D18%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4SUNA_enUS272US286%26sa%3DN

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Word Count: 1560

My Idea of a University

I always knew that I would attend a University. I never wanted to "go to college." Attending a university always sounded better; I quite often told people that I was going to do so just so I could hear it. My father went to Texas A&M and was one semester shy of graduation when he decided he hated his major and quit. I didn’t want to be him. I have been told since entering GT in my early elementary years that I was "gifted, intelligent, smart, above-average," etc… I wanted to make a difference in the world, be the first in my family to graduate from a university, to get a degree.

I have always loved learning, so continuing to a higher education always seemed the natural thing to do. Although it seemed a simple enough task, the difficult part came in when choosing which of the many astute universities that I would ultimately pledge my allegiance to; in deciding where I would live and learn and which major I would choose to study. I remember being quite dismayed upon learning that, at the university level, you had to choose a specific topic of study…I did not understand this concept. My wonderful father soon helped me out by informed me that unfortunately he did not possess the funds for me to "learn everything" and I would have to find something that I was interested in. I was somewhat crestfallen, but quickly rallied and began to decide what I would be. Every week it was something different. I constantly pestered my father asking him if I could learn to be an Astronaut at a university (or lawyer, or "pet-doctor," or teacher, or well you get the point). Eventually I decided on aerospace engineering. I wanted to design spaceships; I loved studying outer space and wanted to be able to go there one day on a spaceship that I had designed. That seemed the coolest thing ever, I also wanted to be able to say that "it is rocket science" (yes, I know, corny). But I gave that idea up as well as all the others after a year of intense calculus. I currently want to do something that doesn’t involve sitting at a desk in a florescent jungle doing endless amounts of mindless work 24/7. Haven't quite got around to deciding what that something is going to be though...

Well obviously I chose to come to the University of Texas here in Austin (my father was disappointed to say the least), or UT depending on who you are talking too, and got accepted into the Plan II program…whatever the hell that is, as Tyler stated, "no one really knows." All I knew about it was that it would allow me to continue to "learn everything" (so there Daddy!). I have a major without really having any idea what I want to do with my life, or maybe I should say having way too many ideas with what I want to do with my life…which fits nicely with the philosophy of Plan II set up by Dean Parlin in 1935 "Education for a life, not for a living" (x: pg. 343I, "Plan II at the University of Texas at Austin"). Supposedly I am being prepared for whatever I choose to endeavor as this life continues.

I have found Plan II students to be an amazing group of people, all diverse and yet strangely alike. It is almost as though I have entered a little world where everyone is kind of like me; the opposite of Alice's experiences… weird I know, but comforting in another way. It is amazing how the smaller groups are allowing each of us to "learn to respect, to consult, and to aid each other" along this voyage that we call education. (X: pg. 309; "The Idea of a University, 1852") My Plan II classes are the ones I look forward to the most. They allow me to truly explore ideas I have not thought of before.

But in studying the university as a whole, I was struck by how much of it is simply a social melting pot as Lydia touched on. As if we were the little frogs spoken of the lecture last night ("Why Males Die Before Mating"), all hanging out in our little ponds waiting for another to walk on by; if not for mating purposes then for friendship (although I am sure there is plenty of both going on). All kinds of students from different backgrounds and walks of life that, even though "they cannot pursue every subject," they are benefiting "by living among those and under those who represent the whole circle as all the branches of knowledge are connecting together." (X: pg. 308-9; " The Idea of a University, 1852")

Thus one might say that the University is a place where the social and academic aspects of life become united in a single existence. Where there is harmony and unity among students living and working toward the same overall goal. Where the past and present come together as those before us continue to provide a public education for current students in the effort to “develop and sustain the economy of the nation.” And for those of us in the Plan II program they continue the tradition of liberal arts education to “cultivate the intellect” of the nation. (X: pg. 306; Annual address to the faculty, October 16, 1984; President Peter T. Flawn)

A New Generation: The New Whole- Brain

I have grown up in a new generation. A generation different from those before it. A generation that is integrated into the internet and media more than any before us. A generation that no longer expects its education to be narrow and include only the elements that will make them an engineer or businessman. A generation that uses their whole-brain. My generation is hungry for the knowledge that others have passed by. As research and studies show increasing examples in the complexity of the human brain, this new generation eagerly laps up the ideas put forth in effort to expand our familiarity with all the disciplines of knowledge available.

In past years the emphasis in higher education has centered on the idea that a student must be prepared only for the specific applications that will be their career upon graduation. In this way of thinking, an engineer should only learn mathematics and science and an English major should not be required to take classes in world history. As this way of thinking begins to change, we question the factors that encouraged these changes.

Long before our time Leonardo de Vinci personified the idea of the "Renaissance Man." As the "Information Age" of recent years slowly evolved the importance of a well rounded education became more and more obsolete, the presence of education based in "logical and precise use of the left-brain" became the norm. (Revenge of the Right Brain, pg: X329) "The Whole Person Paradigm" was ripped apart, separating the "mind" from the "body, heart, and spirit." Putting the importance of the "IQ" over that of the" PQ, EQ, or SQ". (x: 40-46) The ideas of emotional and creative quests were frowned upon as frivolous wastes of time, and consequently the development of the right-brain as a society has been crippled. Only recently has the revolution of the "Conceptual Age- ruled by artistry, empathy, and emotion" begun to return the focus to the importance of the right-brain. (Revenge of the Right Brain, pg: X329)

As we have grown up the influence of media, both visual and audible, is impossible to ignore. These factors are largely due to our integration with television and the World Wide Web (aka- the Internet). We have grown up looking at and hearing all the products and ideas of the people around us, not only reading them. This stimulus of our right-brain activity is carried through to the classroom. As our new, knowledge hungry generation arises and begins our own pursuit of higher education we find that the ideas being presented to us not only include left-brain learning, but incorporate right-brain learning as well to the end of the holistically educated person Bump speaks about in his article "Left vs. Right Side of the Brain: Hypermedia and the New Puritanism." Traditional ways of teaching do not affect us. We are accused of being the "never crack a book to study" generation…why should we when the plethora of website afford us endless opportunities to learn the same material while stimulating both sides of our brain, therefore, allowing us a better understanding of the concepts as a whole. As the "Brain Dominance Theory" points out, we are able to "analyze" and "synthesize" information better than those before us because of this integration of both sides of our brain. (Covey, pg: 130)

The inventors of "Web 2.0 … The Machine is Us/isg US" marvel at the relationship my generation has with the internet. The film’s title admits that we are separate yet the same. It is a machine or a tool, but yet it is a part of our everyday life. Without even knowing it, and maybe by accident our generation has been geared from the very beginning to be something completely different than those before us. The idea that "you can respect both sides of your own nature- the analytical side and the creative side. [That] you can value the difference between them and use that to catalyze creativity" is something the generation before us is finally beginning to learn, but it is what we have known all along. (Covey, pg: 283). It is not an issue of whether to use one side of the brain or the other, but to be able to use the two as one. A new generation, the new whole-brain.